Here I am working — and don’t hum that ridiculous Rihanna song; Don’t do it…seriously, just don’t — and “That’s What I Like” starts playing. I mean, I am glistening or whatever it is when girls sweat (heads up, it’s always going to be sweat, ladies), and this song comes on.
Not yet pondering overmuch, I actually let my head fall back, and continued to ‘lay it back’…is this what Cinderella felt like? You know which one, the Brandy/Whitney Houston version, where Brandy commands that broom in her ‘own little corner’ vibing her dreams. “That’s What I Like” reminds me of at least a dozen ways in which I am not on the fast nor slow track to lavishness. In fact, pretty sure I’m off the rails in a really non-cool, non-rocker badass way.
As a modern woman, I love my independence and can provide for myself. HOWEVER, someone please take care of me. I’m 23 and already a little wary of the entire hotel of proverbial doors closing in my face, with only a single window on the fifth floor balcony to dangle out of.
On the off-chance we meet some other person that wants to provide us with the hallmarks of happiness — honesty, affection, trust, communication skills…basically a swag LinkedIn profile for dating — is there a list of pre-reqs just like in college? I need simpler terms in at least one aspect of my life.
I like long walks by myself, good books, Tennessee whiskey, and steak. Also, a beard wouldn’t fall too far down the list of ‘musts’. But, Bruno…the man created the dreamiest list of his ‘likes’ that I question if I undershoot my relationship goals?
Let’s just break down and review the items on Bruno Mars’ list of what he likes. Getcha bifocals on and settle in with your Cocoa Wheats, my friends:
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Ritzy condo
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ability to drop it low
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rental/timeshare in Miami — I like travel
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wake up with no jammies — check (I get hot, it’s a way to naturally cool the body; I’m sure it’s detailed in a TED talk or academic journal…the physiological fact, not my body)
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Fresh seafood to wine and dine with
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Carte blanche wallet utilities — if you insist…
And that is just the first verse. As an aside, I don’t really want and/or need most of these things. I hate being on the go, and there’s something about bourgeois living that isn’t super sexy to me. Moving on, this potential dream guy likes:
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Shiny gold jewelry (sorry, can’t afford more than Charming Charlie. First job after college, you know.)
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Strawberry champagne on ice — hand over the champs.
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Sex by the fire at night…I mean, all right, I liked that ‘draw me’ scene in Titanic. (Honestly if that wasn’t a prelude, I don’t know what is.)
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Silk sheets and diamonds all white…if we must, I honestly don’t even really do white pants, but this is negotiable.
As if I haven’t established unrealistic goals for myself and every boyfriend in my future, he continues:
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trips to Puerto Rico
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he likes keeping promises
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again with the continual smile cramp nonsense
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Shopping sprees in Paris — because I’m a female, what else could I want to do in Paris??? (future argument here)
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More jewelry, i.e. 24 karat magic
…And here I am at the end thinking, “who is this girl?”
Also, how convenient that all the things he likes are luxury items I’d see on an archived episode of MTV Cribs.
I could get down with some of this, but it doesn’t feel the most genuine of promises for lasting affection…does it?
Even that song, “Most Girls” by Hailee Steinfeld makes me feel a little inadequate. No, most girls probably aren’t shady and are quite successful. But, have you seen the video? The girl still has full makeup on, while vogue-ing and coyly flirting with the camera. Dudes, most girls are not airbrushed or lithe and toned. Now, meditate on how you would phrase the lyrics to a version of “Most Boys”…just consider it for a while.
What happened to ‘beauty fades’???
Yes, it’s a light-hearted song that makes me shoulder dance a little and even airily think of a dream team of a crew to choreograph smooth dances to…BUT, what are we saying about relationships here? Is “That’s What I Like” a sexual primer to Mars’ new single, “Versace on the Floor”? If so, here’s another song that has hit potential, but quite honestly not for its ability to relate to the masses.
As a far as “lucky for me, that’s what I like”…as a woman, I have a red flag. The men I come across would like the looks of this woman, but probably wouldn’t be entranced by her personality. But Kristina, why do you stereotype? No, no, no. …this song screams high maintenance.
My response to the easy, charismatic Bruno — some good old-fashioned Shania:
thisleadstotreble 